{a healthy december}

Over the last 2 weeks I've been slacking, then Thanksgiving came and it was all down hill from there. I basically threw in the towel and stopped caring. I let myself forget how badly I want to be healthy and I started to think, maybe I'm ok where I'm at for now.

And then I remembered something I often tell myself when I'm on track.

The biggest lie you can tell yourself is, 'It doesn't matter. It does.'
It matters when you eat cookies for breakfast..and lunch..and after dinner.
It matters when you drink soda (even diet) instead of water.
It matters when you don't pay attention to your food choices.
It matters when you eat too many carbs, sugar, high fat foods and not enough veggies.
It matters when you choose to sit around the house instead of working out.
It matters when you stop caring about yourself.

Each of these choices add up, they take me farther and farther away from where I want to be. And I know, I know, how mad I'll be at myself if I let December pass by in a haze of sugar cookies and diet Dr. Pepper! So I'm not going to let that happen.

I'm going to continue exercising (I did yesterday and today and it feels so good!), start eat healthier and be mindful of how I'm treating my body. Because I know those things that I sometimes tell myself don't matter, can make all the difference in the world.

{monday weigh-in}

This morning I weighed in at

199

{a new week}

This last week totally kicked my butt. I was sick AND pms-ing and basically felt like death all week.  So, I didn't work out. Not once. And I was definitely hit and miss with my eating choices. I was just too sick and tired to bother with anything more than surviving the week. Lame, I know.

And now we are half way through November!? With the holiday's approaching I feel like I really, really need to commit to some consistency.  All the treats and carb-tastic goodness that awaits is making me nervous. Don't get me wrong, I love the holidays. I love the cooler weather, spending time with family and my home smelling like cinnamon spice. But food wise it's a slippery slope my friends and I definitely do not want to start the new year where I am now. I have plans for a real bathing suit this summer and if I don't start now, it's not going to happen.

So here are my goals for the week

Eat healthy. Sticking to my calorie range (1250-1500) and focusing on whole foods.
Exercise. Every day. I plan to go for daily walks pushing my boys in the double jogger for my cardio and then add in some resistance training using the wii active.
Nix Soda. Not even diet.
Lots and lots of water. They say you should divide your weight in half and that's how many ounces of water you should be drinking per day.
Take my vitamins.
Blog more. I have so many things that I want to blog about, but I'm having such a hard time sitting down to do it! It helps keep me focused and accountable, so it's time to move it up on my list of the priorities:)

Here's to a great week!

monday weigh in {on a tuesday}

I weighed in yesterday with the intent of posting, and then our house got hit with a case of the 'sickies' as my four year old calls it. Definitely not my favorite way to loose weight :)

So yesterday I weighed in at...

199

I'm going to try and avoid all the self-deprecating things that come to mind when I see that number, because after all these years I still can't believe my weight got that high.

Instead, here are some happy things to focus on..

I'm just 2lbs shy of my pregnancy weight with my last baby.

There is no longer a 2 in the first spot.

dear me,

sincerely,

the person you're meant to be.

{where i'm at}

I have been avoiding this blog.
And much of the Internet, truth be told.
You could add family and friends to the list too.
My rut eventually formed a big 'ol hole that I found myself crying at the bottom of.
Depression is hard to cope with. It's rotten, because it feels like no one understands or even cares to. It's lonely. Battling yourself, truly loathing yourself at times for no other reason than just being you are (or aren't) is torture. And knowing your are doing it to yourself, making yourself miserable is a hard place to come out of. Even when you know you have so much to happy and grateful for.

I have dealt with depression for most of my life, and ironically most of my life I've been completely unaware of it. It's much like a slow creeping fog that gradually seeps into every part of your life. At least that's how it's been for me.

I spent a long time feeling isolated, feeling so incredibly lonely that I found myself praying for friendships that could help heal some of my broken heart. But the honestly, I pushed people away. I was terrified of rejection. Having my mom leave when I was younger was the ultimate rejection and I couldn't bring myself to open up again. My heart just couldn't handle anymore hurt. Yet I hurt myself every day. I would tell myself the most vicious lies, slowly tearing myself apart. Over the last couple of weeks I've found myself in that dark place again. I have been hurting myself by pushing everyone away, telling myself that I am worthless, feeding myself lies and unhealthy foods. I lost the ability to feel truly happy, my smiles feel more forced and I stopped finding those brief moments of joy that make the not so fun times worth it. I just couldn't see them. Everything just felt hard and heavy and bleak.

I don't know anymore, which came first, the depression or the self destructive behavior. It's a vicious cycle. But I do know this: I have knowledge. I have a choice, lots of choices, to make every day. My imperfections do not make me worthless. And I deserve to be happy, like, truly happy again.

So I'm starting over. I'm going to pull up my big girl panties and push away the negative thoughts and start making some different choices. And I'm going to work on being nice to me too.

If you've made it this far, thank you for taking the time to hear a little piece of my story. I know this blog has been a whole lot heavy lately and I want to change that too. But it's important for me to share my whole journey, even when it isn't pretty. So check back soon for more regular, and hopefully more helpful posts.

{rut rut rut!}

I am officially in a rut (in case yesterday's post didn't tip you off..haha).

I know what to do.

I just can't find the will to do it.

I feel like my mind is one of those glass boxes that shoot dollar bills into the air and the kid has to catch as many as he can in 15 seconds. Swirling, swirling. Seeing it all, but just out of reach.

I asked my husband, what I have done for the past 3 weeks? I asked him because I like to think out loud to him. I was really asking myself.

And I don't really know. I feel like I've been so busy, yet I don't feel like I've accomplished much. I think that's just life sometimes. It's so easy to get caught up in it and then time slips by quicker each day.

But I don't want that! Shouldn't life be lived with purpose? I want to be more mindful of what I'm doing. moving forward each day, not treading water.

Which makes me wonder, what is compelling me to make these same choices day after day?

{back to basics}

So as it turns out, it's super easy to talk about being ambitious...to want it so much. I fell short in the actually being aspect of it. And so here I sit. Stressed out. Frustrated. Feeling literally sick to my stomach.

The scale is up 2lbs from the end of the competition, not horrific, but I know I've gained back some inches.

This morning I bailed on my friends who invited me to go to boot camp (again) and I tried making up for it by lacing up my running shoes and resuming my 5k training. About 5 minutes and 30 seconds into it, I felt like I was going to die. I wasn't prepared. At. All. Sure, I'd stretched and all that, but I wasn't hydrated and I'm fairly certain cinnamon sugar on toast and a diet dr. pepper doesn't qualify as a balanced breakfast (Seriously Deborah?? You know better). Realizing it would be foolish to continue running (jogging? shuffling?) in the desert without having had a drop of water in the past 12ish hours I headed home.

So it has me thinking about preparing myself and what choices need to be made so I'm not where I'm at right now, because let me tell you, it bites.

{Ambitious}

This morning I pulled out some "skinny" clothes and tried them on, just for kicks. Um, yikes.

{Side note: Can I just say how much I love this outfit? There is just something so cute about a plain white tee and a pair cute of jeans. But it's not something I wear very often, because wearing white makes me feel like a marshmallow. It's true.}

Anyway, so I yanked on my jeans and while I was excited at being able to pull them on and zip them up, I was most definitely not stoked about the muffin top they produced. BUT they inspire me. It's exciting that less than 2 years ago I was able to fit my body into those jeans, and you know, actually wear them in public:)

So I thought I would have my sweet husband snap a couple of before pictures. After taking a good look at all that marshmallowy muffin topped goodness I started to doubt myself and asked him, "Do you think I'm being too ambitious?" to which he promptly replied "No, I don't think you're being ambitious."*
and the part of me that is sick of being where I'm at piped up and said 'You know what? I want to be ambitious!'

And there you have it. I want to be ambitious. In fact, I've decided to embrace ambitiousness. I want to challenge myself and become stronger both  physically and emotionally.

So in the sake of being ambitious and all that, and staying accountable, I'm posting the pictures.
Front and side view now and in 7 weeks I'll do it again, hopefully without the muffin top:)

*I should clarify, my husband meant to say I'm not being too ambitious. I'm kind of happy about the mix up though, it helped me to see I want to keep moving forward:)

{sometimes..}

Sometimes you have to forget everything else.
Every fear.
Every insecurity.
Every doubt.
Every reason to give in, to give up.
And move forward.
Be conscious.
Be present.
Choose to delay gratification.
And do what will ultimately make you happy.

{Win, Lose, or Blog Finale}

I'm not ready for these to be my "after" photos, I've still got a long ways to go!

But here are some pictures taken at the start of the competition:

(yikes!)

Here are some more recent ones..

and side..

I lost a total of 13.6lbs in 7 weeks, but what's really exciting is that I lost 27.5 inches!

10 inches came off my waist!

Now that the competition is over I really want to keep going! So I'll be blogging much more regularly to help keep me focused and on track. If you're new here please say "hi!" And if you have a blog I'd love to come check it out. Anyway, I have lots of fun things planned so check back soon!

Inspiration

If you saw my post over on my WLB you'll know I've been in a funk today.

Then I was reading Lindsey's  blog (one of the team members of WLB) and saw this. She's lost 90lbs and has kept it off for 8 years! Incredible.

And then I stumbled across this before and after slide show. Amazing.

Then I was checking my google reader and this blog popped up in the suggestion page.

I was scrolling through and chuckling at his wacky sense of humor. When I came across this little gem.

He says:

"The hardest part may be accepting the fact that you actually can do it."

uh....

It was like a light bulb moment.

For me it's the absolute truth.

I feel like I'm at the base of the mountain and I'm practically leaning over backwards trying to see the top. Why is it so difficult to wrap my brain around the idea that I don't have to be 80lbs over-weight for the rest of my life? I'm trying imagine what it would be like to not give up and actually achieve my goals this time. What would it be like to be healthy, fit, happy? Could I actually get to a point where I don't hate looking at pictures of myself? Where I can wear shorts or (gasp!) a swim suit and not feel embarrassed by my figure? Could I learn to control my emotional eating? Make my body, mind and even my spirit stronger?

Yes.

It feels so friggin' far away, but I know it's true.

And believing it makes me feel..well, I feel empowered.

Exciting News!

So remember when I posted about submitting an application for Win, Lose, or Blog?

Well, I am thrilled to tell you that I've been selected to participate in Season 5! It kicked off yesterday and I'm feelin' good (and sore:)!

I'm a little nervous to be putting myself out there so publicly, I feel much safer here on this little blog that 6 people read:) But I'm ready for it and really excited!

So, for the next 7 weeks I'll be blogging mostly over here (click hyperlink to go directly to my page). I'd love for you to stop by and say hi and be sure to "follow me" while you're there!

Click here to see the other 7 contestants, I'm sure they'd love a virtual high fiver too:)

Heeey June?

Where did you go so fast!?

My June Boom was more like a thud. I was super excited and then things got complicated emotionally and I got tripped up. I realize that a big part of my emotional upheaval is due to our recent move back to the west coast. So many memories combined with the anniversary of my mom leaving had me reliving some very painful parts of my past. I'm still untangling things, but it's getting better.
The past can't be changed and those experiences will always be there; if I allow them to they can consume my thoughts and put me in a very real depression. And that is exactly what I have done in the last few weeks. While I still do my normal daily things, playing with my children, doing my chores, spending time with my husband, a huge part of me has been living in the past.
 And that just isn't going to do. There is enough hurt and pain in this world, I won't add to it, not when I know how to move past it and hopefully do some good.

My goals for the next week are….

Keep a food journal.
Drink more water (a lot more!)
Be more mindful of what I'm eat and why.

So I'm still working on it and that's OK.

"Just got to keep on keepin' on..."
-Joe Dirt

PS. Hi to everyone who has stopped by and left such sweet words of encouragement. I'm still making my way around to say hi back personally, but in the mean time know that it mean so much to have complete strangers giving me a boost when I need it most. Thank you!

Win, Lose or Blog

I just applied for Season 5 of Win, Lose or Blog.

I'm kinda excited.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Thanks!



12 years

It will be 12 years this coming Thursday. Mother's Day is usually the hardest, but a little more sweet than bitter, now that I have my own children. I spent most of this morning just feeling very sad for no particular reason...until I realized that I felt incrediably lonely, as if no one in the world cares about me. My eyes watered, but I wasn't really crying, they were involentary tears brought from the intense pain that crushed me so unexpectedly. While that day has been on my mind all week my emotions still caught me by suprise..the twenty-third of June. That morning my mom took my brother, my sister and me to Denny's. We laughed and ate our pancakes, she gave a birthday card with a twenty dollar bill tucked inside and then she left. And that was the last time she would be apart of my life. The last time she would hug me without timid hesitation, awkward from the years of absence.
I try so hard to be everything that she wasn't to me, but I struggle with never really knowing if it's enough and cringing a little when I find myself doing some of the same things that my mom did, even if they are things that left me with the sweetest memories I have of her. I try to love myself so that my children can see their own worth. It's so important that they know our imperfections don't make us worthless. That they are okay where ever they are in this life, I know they having growing to do. And if they need to try harder to be who they are meant to be, I'll love them while they figure it out. They have to know they are loved absolutely and unconditionally. Always.
In 12 years she missed high school graduation, wedding day, the birth of my children. But it's the normal every day things that sometimes hurt when I find that empty spot where she should be. I wish I could call her for advice. Or send her pictures of her grandchildren. I wish that despite anything that might happen to me, I wish I could know I have someone cheering for me. And I wish that I could know that she would do everything in her power to be here with me. Most of all I wish that she had made different choices. Maybe she could have seen that doing the hard thing is always worth it. She could have made choices that would have made her stronger, wiser, happy even.

Working through it..

I haven't given up on my weight loss goals but I'm realizing that, for me, there are some emotional issues that go hand and hand with my weight issues. For so long writing has been my outlet, from when I was a young teenager scrawling out my emotions with a highlighter in my college wide notebook to writing in journals (with real pens-ha!), to the notepad on my computer to blogging. There is something therapeutic about it, it won't be pretty and edited, but it will be real and part of me. So things might get a little random around here, but I hope it'll be a good thing.

Junk.

I remember the first time I thought I was fat. I was in the 4th grade and I was wearing blue and black hounds tooth patterned tights. We had just come in from recess and as I plopped down in my chair I saw that my thigh looked bigger when I rested it on the seat of my chair. I lifted my leg up and down several times watching the shape change. I was horrified. Ashamed. It was completely ridiculous. I wasn't a "fat" child; I wasn't rail thin as most 4th grader (I had started developing the previous year) and in my 9 year old mind that made me fat. Things got worse as I continued to develop; with curves and a training bra came taunts and name calling, relentless teasing. I remember a boy who teased me every day as I walked home from school. He would shout that I had hidden melons in my top, making the other kids laugh. I would fight back tears and the urge to flash him just to get him to leave me alone. In the 6th grade a girl called me "fatty" in front of the entire classes. It crushed me. I could go on and on. Rumors, people talking about me when they thought I couldn't hear, putting glue on my chair during art class, name calling right to my face. So many hurtful things said and done over years and I took each one as truth. I had a big nose. I was fat. I was ugly. Worthless.
I wish I could go back and help that young girl. Help her to see herself differently, but I can't yet. She's still a part of me and that's something I need to deal with. Part of me feels that I'll only be worth something if I lose these 79lbs. Another part worries that even that won't be enough.

Day 1

Yesterday...

I ate healthy foods and not one bit of junk food.
Drank as much water as I could 56oz up from about zero and no regular soda!
Went for a walk with  the boys in the morning (it's too stinkin' hot in Arizona, even at 9am! so we're going tonight instead).
Started a 30 day Challenge on the wii active. Love love love wii active.
Was completely blindsided by a migraine around 3pm.

I know the migraine was my body rebelling, probably freaking out without it's daily dose of sugar. Seriously, I'm not trying to be dramatic here. For me sugar is sooo addictive, but that's a whole other post. Whatever the cause of the migraine I know it's not because I'm treating my body poorly. It feels nice to be able to say that, it's progress.

Deborah:1 Sugar:0

Late Boomer

My sister over at 125 by 25 told me about a challenge she's doing called the June Boom. It's just what I need to get me in the habit of exercising again!

So here's the challenge:

1. Exercise everyday in June. I just have to find 30 minutes every 24 hours to move. I can do that!
2. Start something you've been putting off. Daily walks/wii active 30 day challenge.
3. Be publicly accountable. I'll be keeping track over on the sidebar to the right.

So there you have it, my very first challenge. I'm so excited to see where I'll be in 3 weeks!

The Starting Line

Last night I caught the last half of a weight loss show right about the time the contestant started slacking off. When it came time to weigh in the trainer chewed out the guy for missing his goal..by 40lbs. As the contestant stood on the scale looking sad and disappointed the trainer pointed to the number on the scale and said "YOU chose this number, not your goal. You chose THIS number." And I haven't been able to get it out of my head since.

I am choosing to eat unhealthy foods.
I am choosing not to exercise.
I am choosing soda over water.
I am choosing NOT to change my life.

Until now.

It doesn't matter that I have been here so many times before (here being fed up with my unhealthy lifestyle).
It doesn't matter that I have an overwhelming amount to lose (numbers and pictures (gulp!) coming tomorrow).
It doesn't matter that I am terrified of failing.

Because what I've been doing isn't working for me, so it's time to make some BIG changes.

One choice at a time.