I remember the first time I thought I was fat. I was in the 4th grade and I was wearing blue and black hounds tooth patterned tights. We had just come in from recess and as I plopped down in my chair I saw that my thigh looked bigger when I rested it on the seat of my chair. I lifted my leg up and down several times watching the shape change. I was horrified. Ashamed. It was completely ridiculous. I wasn't a "fat" child; I wasn't rail thin as most 4th grader (I had started developing the previous year) and in my 9 year old mind that made me fat. Things got worse as I continued to develop; with curves and a training bra came taunts and name calling, relentless teasing. I remember a boy who teased me every day as I walked home from school. He would shout that I had hidden melons in my top, making the other kids laugh. I would fight back tears and the urge to flash him just to get him to leave me alone. In the 6th grade a girl called me "fatty" in front of the entire classes. It crushed me. I could go on and on. Rumors, people talking about me when they thought I couldn't hear, putting glue on my chair during art class, name calling right to my face. So many hurtful things said and done over years and I took each one as truth. I had a big nose. I was fat. I was ugly. Worthless.
I wish I could go back and help that young girl. Help her to see herself differently, but I can't yet. She's still a part of me and that's something I need to deal with. Part of me feels that I'll only be worth something if I lose these 79lbs. Another part worries that even that won't be enough.
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:( I can recall similar stories about myself. In 1st grade, we were doing a project where we wrote down our wants and likes..if we could buy anything we wanted, what would it be, if we could change our name, what would we change it to, if we could change anything about ourselves, what would it be? You know what I put? I'd buy liposuction and change myself to be skinny. 1st grade and I was already feeling bigger than others and being teased for it, and you know we weren't "obese" kids. There was a group of girls in 3rd and 4th grade that teased me relentlessly...I remember when those small little backpacks came out and they were soo popular...I was in 4th grade and I had a green one, The first time I wore it to school, one of the girls asked me if I was wearing it to cover my fat butt. It crushed me. Here I thought I had my ticket to fitting in a bit more, and I was just made fun of for wearing one.
ReplyDeleteI know a little of what you went through. The good thing is that we aren't in 4th grade anymore and we don't have punk 9 year olds snickering behind our backs all day. I know the same thoughts they provoked then are still easily provoked now...I remember a time just last year that I was hanging out with a friend who is much thinner than me, we had just met at the time and I kept thinking, oh my gosh, I am so fat, comparing myself to her. This sounds silly, but I actually kept thinking, I wonder if she's thinking about how fat I am. I couldn't get comfortable in the situation or with myself. I was majorally lacking confidence, and I've noticed I've gained more of that back as I've lost weight, and I know you will too. Good luck!
It's awful how horribly mean children can be to each other. I think healing that little girl inside you will go hand in hand with becoming a healthier more radiant you. :-)
ReplyDelete(Hi, I'm Diana, I snuck over here from Amy's blog)