in review {2011}

in the year 2011

we had...

a big move across the country

our first family vacation experience

our car breakdown

lots of date nights with my husband:)

and we...

moved into our home

experienced our first (and hopefully last!) ambulance ride

spent a few days in the hospital with the baby

(thanks a lot RSV)

started preschool

turned one

celebrated weddings and babies being born

it was a hard year, but it was a really happy one too.

One of the things I'll treasure most is the moment that came sometime in December.

When I realized that I am ok.
Something clicked into place when I accepted myself.

I see my potential.

I'm more comfortable with my imperfections.

I love me.

My body isn't the enemy.

I am not the enemy.

I had gotten so caught up in being "good" or "bad" that I lost sight of WHY I was trying to make changes.

 I don't need to loath everything I am now in order to drive myself to become the person I want to be.

Even if I never lost another pound I know that I have worth as a person, but I know I haven't taken care of my body and that's going to take a lot of work to undo the damage.

I hope you'll follow along :)

Here's to a happy and healthy 2012!

{a healthy december}

Over the last 2 weeks I've been slacking, then Thanksgiving came and it was all down hill from there. I basically threw in the towel and stopped caring. I let myself forget how badly I want to be healthy and I started to think, maybe I'm ok where I'm at for now.

And then I remembered something I often tell myself when I'm on track.

The biggest lie you can tell yourself is, 'It doesn't matter. It does.'
It matters when you eat cookies for breakfast..and lunch..and after dinner.
It matters when you drink soda (even diet) instead of water.
It matters when you don't pay attention to your food choices.
It matters when you eat too many carbs, sugar, high fat foods and not enough veggies.
It matters when you choose to sit around the house instead of working out.
It matters when you stop caring about yourself.

Each of these choices add up, they take me farther and farther away from where I want to be. And I know, I know, how mad I'll be at myself if I let December pass by in a haze of sugar cookies and diet Dr. Pepper! So I'm not going to let that happen.

I'm going to continue exercising (I did yesterday and today and it feels so good!), start eat healthier and be mindful of how I'm treating my body. Because I know those things that I sometimes tell myself don't matter, can make all the difference in the world.

{monday weigh-in}

This morning I weighed in at

199

{a new week}

This last week totally kicked my butt. I was sick AND pms-ing and basically felt like death all week.  So, I didn't work out. Not once. And I was definitely hit and miss with my eating choices. I was just too sick and tired to bother with anything more than surviving the week. Lame, I know.

And now we are half way through November!? With the holiday's approaching I feel like I really, really need to commit to some consistency.  All the treats and carb-tastic goodness that awaits is making me nervous. Don't get me wrong, I love the holidays. I love the cooler weather, spending time with family and my home smelling like cinnamon spice. But food wise it's a slippery slope my friends and I definitely do not want to start the new year where I am now. I have plans for a real bathing suit this summer and if I don't start now, it's not going to happen.

So here are my goals for the week

Eat healthy. Sticking to my calorie range (1250-1500) and focusing on whole foods.
Exercise. Every day. I plan to go for daily walks pushing my boys in the double jogger for my cardio and then add in some resistance training using the wii active.
Nix Soda. Not even diet.
Lots and lots of water. They say you should divide your weight in half and that's how many ounces of water you should be drinking per day.
Take my vitamins.
Blog more. I have so many things that I want to blog about, but I'm having such a hard time sitting down to do it! It helps keep me focused and accountable, so it's time to move it up on my list of the priorities:)

Here's to a great week!

monday weigh in {on a tuesday}

I weighed in yesterday with the intent of posting, and then our house got hit with a case of the 'sickies' as my four year old calls it. Definitely not my favorite way to loose weight :)

So yesterday I weighed in at...

199

I'm going to try and avoid all the self-deprecating things that come to mind when I see that number, because after all these years I still can't believe my weight got that high.

Instead, here are some happy things to focus on..

I'm just 2lbs shy of my pregnancy weight with my last baby.

There is no longer a 2 in the first spot.

dear me,

sincerely,

the person you're meant to be.

{where i'm at}

I have been avoiding this blog.
And much of the Internet, truth be told.
You could add family and friends to the list too.
My rut eventually formed a big 'ol hole that I found myself crying at the bottom of.
Depression is hard to cope with. It's rotten, because it feels like no one understands or even cares to. It's lonely. Battling yourself, truly loathing yourself at times for no other reason than just being you are (or aren't) is torture. And knowing your are doing it to yourself, making yourself miserable is a hard place to come out of. Even when you know you have so much to happy and grateful for.

I have dealt with depression for most of my life, and ironically most of my life I've been completely unaware of it. It's much like a slow creeping fog that gradually seeps into every part of your life. At least that's how it's been for me.

I spent a long time feeling isolated, feeling so incredibly lonely that I found myself praying for friendships that could help heal some of my broken heart. But the honestly, I pushed people away. I was terrified of rejection. Having my mom leave when I was younger was the ultimate rejection and I couldn't bring myself to open up again. My heart just couldn't handle anymore hurt. Yet I hurt myself every day. I would tell myself the most vicious lies, slowly tearing myself apart. Over the last couple of weeks I've found myself in that dark place again. I have been hurting myself by pushing everyone away, telling myself that I am worthless, feeding myself lies and unhealthy foods. I lost the ability to feel truly happy, my smiles feel more forced and I stopped finding those brief moments of joy that make the not so fun times worth it. I just couldn't see them. Everything just felt hard and heavy and bleak.

I don't know anymore, which came first, the depression or the self destructive behavior. It's a vicious cycle. But I do know this: I have knowledge. I have a choice, lots of choices, to make every day. My imperfections do not make me worthless. And I deserve to be happy, like, truly happy again.

So I'm starting over. I'm going to pull up my big girl panties and push away the negative thoughts and start making some different choices. And I'm going to work on being nice to me too.

If you've made it this far, thank you for taking the time to hear a little piece of my story. I know this blog has been a whole lot heavy lately and I want to change that too. But it's important for me to share my whole journey, even when it isn't pretty. So check back soon for more regular, and hopefully more helpful posts.