12 years

It will be 12 years this coming Thursday. Mother's Day is usually the hardest, but a little more sweet than bitter, now that I have my own children. I spent most of this morning just feeling very sad for no particular reason...until I realized that I felt incrediably lonely, as if no one in the world cares about me. My eyes watered, but I wasn't really crying, they were involentary tears brought from the intense pain that crushed me so unexpectedly. While that day has been on my mind all week my emotions still caught me by suprise..the twenty-third of June. That morning my mom took my brother, my sister and me to Denny's. We laughed and ate our pancakes, she gave a birthday card with a twenty dollar bill tucked inside and then she left. And that was the last time she would be apart of my life. The last time she would hug me without timid hesitation, awkward from the years of absence.
I try so hard to be everything that she wasn't to me, but I struggle with never really knowing if it's enough and cringing a little when I find myself doing some of the same things that my mom did, even if they are things that left me with the sweetest memories I have of her. I try to love myself so that my children can see their own worth. It's so important that they know our imperfections don't make us worthless. That they are okay where ever they are in this life, I know they having growing to do. And if they need to try harder to be who they are meant to be, I'll love them while they figure it out. They have to know they are loved absolutely and unconditionally. Always.
In 12 years she missed high school graduation, wedding day, the birth of my children. But it's the normal every day things that sometimes hurt when I find that empty spot where she should be. I wish I could call her for advice. Or send her pictures of her grandchildren. I wish that despite anything that might happen to me, I wish I could know I have someone cheering for me. And I wish that I could know that she would do everything in her power to be here with me. Most of all I wish that she had made different choices. Maybe she could have seen that doing the hard thing is always worth it. She could have made choices that would have made her stronger, wiser, happy even.