Heeey June?

Where did you go so fast!?

My June Boom was more like a thud. I was super excited and then things got complicated emotionally and I got tripped up. I realize that a big part of my emotional upheaval is due to our recent move back to the west coast. So many memories combined with the anniversary of my mom leaving had me reliving some very painful parts of my past. I'm still untangling things, but it's getting better.
The past can't be changed and those experiences will always be there; if I allow them to they can consume my thoughts and put me in a very real depression. And that is exactly what I have done in the last few weeks. While I still do my normal daily things, playing with my children, doing my chores, spending time with my husband, a huge part of me has been living in the past.
 And that just isn't going to do. There is enough hurt and pain in this world, I won't add to it, not when I know how to move past it and hopefully do some good.

My goals for the next week are….

Keep a food journal.
Drink more water (a lot more!)
Be more mindful of what I'm eat and why.

So I'm still working on it and that's OK.

"Just got to keep on keepin' on..."
-Joe Dirt

PS. Hi to everyone who has stopped by and left such sweet words of encouragement. I'm still making my way around to say hi back personally, but in the mean time know that it mean so much to have complete strangers giving me a boost when I need it most. Thank you!

Win, Lose or Blog

I just applied for Season 5 of Win, Lose or Blog.

I'm kinda excited.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Thanks!



12 years

It will be 12 years this coming Thursday. Mother's Day is usually the hardest, but a little more sweet than bitter, now that I have my own children. I spent most of this morning just feeling very sad for no particular reason...until I realized that I felt incrediably lonely, as if no one in the world cares about me. My eyes watered, but I wasn't really crying, they were involentary tears brought from the intense pain that crushed me so unexpectedly. While that day has been on my mind all week my emotions still caught me by suprise..the twenty-third of June. That morning my mom took my brother, my sister and me to Denny's. We laughed and ate our pancakes, she gave a birthday card with a twenty dollar bill tucked inside and then she left. And that was the last time she would be apart of my life. The last time she would hug me without timid hesitation, awkward from the years of absence.
I try so hard to be everything that she wasn't to me, but I struggle with never really knowing if it's enough and cringing a little when I find myself doing some of the same things that my mom did, even if they are things that left me with the sweetest memories I have of her. I try to love myself so that my children can see their own worth. It's so important that they know our imperfections don't make us worthless. That they are okay where ever they are in this life, I know they having growing to do. And if they need to try harder to be who they are meant to be, I'll love them while they figure it out. They have to know they are loved absolutely and unconditionally. Always.
In 12 years she missed high school graduation, wedding day, the birth of my children. But it's the normal every day things that sometimes hurt when I find that empty spot where she should be. I wish I could call her for advice. Or send her pictures of her grandchildren. I wish that despite anything that might happen to me, I wish I could know I have someone cheering for me. And I wish that I could know that she would do everything in her power to be here with me. Most of all I wish that she had made different choices. Maybe she could have seen that doing the hard thing is always worth it. She could have made choices that would have made her stronger, wiser, happy even.

Working through it..

I haven't given up on my weight loss goals but I'm realizing that, for me, there are some emotional issues that go hand and hand with my weight issues. For so long writing has been my outlet, from when I was a young teenager scrawling out my emotions with a highlighter in my college wide notebook to writing in journals (with real pens-ha!), to the notepad on my computer to blogging. There is something therapeutic about it, it won't be pretty and edited, but it will be real and part of me. So things might get a little random around here, but I hope it'll be a good thing.

Junk.

I remember the first time I thought I was fat. I was in the 4th grade and I was wearing blue and black hounds tooth patterned tights. We had just come in from recess and as I plopped down in my chair I saw that my thigh looked bigger when I rested it on the seat of my chair. I lifted my leg up and down several times watching the shape change. I was horrified. Ashamed. It was completely ridiculous. I wasn't a "fat" child; I wasn't rail thin as most 4th grader (I had started developing the previous year) and in my 9 year old mind that made me fat. Things got worse as I continued to develop; with curves and a training bra came taunts and name calling, relentless teasing. I remember a boy who teased me every day as I walked home from school. He would shout that I had hidden melons in my top, making the other kids laugh. I would fight back tears and the urge to flash him just to get him to leave me alone. In the 6th grade a girl called me "fatty" in front of the entire classes. It crushed me. I could go on and on. Rumors, people talking about me when they thought I couldn't hear, putting glue on my chair during art class, name calling right to my face. So many hurtful things said and done over years and I took each one as truth. I had a big nose. I was fat. I was ugly. Worthless.
I wish I could go back and help that young girl. Help her to see herself differently, but I can't yet. She's still a part of me and that's something I need to deal with. Part of me feels that I'll only be worth something if I lose these 79lbs. Another part worries that even that won't be enough.

Day 1

Yesterday...

I ate healthy foods and not one bit of junk food.
Drank as much water as I could 56oz up from about zero and no regular soda!
Went for a walk with  the boys in the morning (it's too stinkin' hot in Arizona, even at 9am! so we're going tonight instead).
Started a 30 day Challenge on the wii active. Love love love wii active.
Was completely blindsided by a migraine around 3pm.

I know the migraine was my body rebelling, probably freaking out without it's daily dose of sugar. Seriously, I'm not trying to be dramatic here. For me sugar is sooo addictive, but that's a whole other post. Whatever the cause of the migraine I know it's not because I'm treating my body poorly. It feels nice to be able to say that, it's progress.

Deborah:1 Sugar:0

Late Boomer

My sister over at 125 by 25 told me about a challenge she's doing called the June Boom. It's just what I need to get me in the habit of exercising again!

So here's the challenge:

1. Exercise everyday in June. I just have to find 30 minutes every 24 hours to move. I can do that!
2. Start something you've been putting off. Daily walks/wii active 30 day challenge.
3. Be publicly accountable. I'll be keeping track over on the sidebar to the right.

So there you have it, my very first challenge. I'm so excited to see where I'll be in 3 weeks!

The Starting Line

Last night I caught the last half of a weight loss show right about the time the contestant started slacking off. When it came time to weigh in the trainer chewed out the guy for missing his goal..by 40lbs. As the contestant stood on the scale looking sad and disappointed the trainer pointed to the number on the scale and said "YOU chose this number, not your goal. You chose THIS number." And I haven't been able to get it out of my head since.

I am choosing to eat unhealthy foods.
I am choosing not to exercise.
I am choosing soda over water.
I am choosing NOT to change my life.

Until now.

It doesn't matter that I have been here so many times before (here being fed up with my unhealthy lifestyle).
It doesn't matter that I have an overwhelming amount to lose (numbers and pictures (gulp!) coming tomorrow).
It doesn't matter that I am terrified of failing.

Because what I've been doing isn't working for me, so it's time to make some BIG changes.

One choice at a time.