Inspiration

If you saw my post over on my WLB you'll know I've been in a funk today.

Then I was reading Lindsey's  blog (one of the team members of WLB) and saw this. She's lost 90lbs and has kept it off for 8 years! Incredible.

And then I stumbled across this before and after slide show. Amazing.

Then I was checking my google reader and this blog popped up in the suggestion page.

I was scrolling through and chuckling at his wacky sense of humor. When I came across this little gem.

He says:

"The hardest part may be accepting the fact that you actually can do it."

uh....

It was like a light bulb moment.

For me it's the absolute truth.

I feel like I'm at the base of the mountain and I'm practically leaning over backwards trying to see the top. Why is it so difficult to wrap my brain around the idea that I don't have to be 80lbs over-weight for the rest of my life? I'm trying imagine what it would be like to not give up and actually achieve my goals this time. What would it be like to be healthy, fit, happy? Could I actually get to a point where I don't hate looking at pictures of myself? Where I can wear shorts or (gasp!) a swim suit and not feel embarrassed by my figure? Could I learn to control my emotional eating? Make my body, mind and even my spirit stronger?

Yes.

It feels so friggin' far away, but I know it's true.

And believing it makes me feel..well, I feel empowered.

Exciting News!

So remember when I posted about submitting an application for Win, Lose, or Blog?

Well, I am thrilled to tell you that I've been selected to participate in Season 5! It kicked off yesterday and I'm feelin' good (and sore:)!

I'm a little nervous to be putting myself out there so publicly, I feel much safer here on this little blog that 6 people read:) But I'm ready for it and really excited!

So, for the next 7 weeks I'll be blogging mostly over here (click hyperlink to go directly to my page). I'd love for you to stop by and say hi and be sure to "follow me" while you're there!

Click here to see the other 7 contestants, I'm sure they'd love a virtual high fiver too:)

Heeey June?

Where did you go so fast!?

My June Boom was more like a thud. I was super excited and then things got complicated emotionally and I got tripped up. I realize that a big part of my emotional upheaval is due to our recent move back to the west coast. So many memories combined with the anniversary of my mom leaving had me reliving some very painful parts of my past. I'm still untangling things, but it's getting better.
The past can't be changed and those experiences will always be there; if I allow them to they can consume my thoughts and put me in a very real depression. And that is exactly what I have done in the last few weeks. While I still do my normal daily things, playing with my children, doing my chores, spending time with my husband, a huge part of me has been living in the past.
 And that just isn't going to do. There is enough hurt and pain in this world, I won't add to it, not when I know how to move past it and hopefully do some good.

My goals for the next week are….

Keep a food journal.
Drink more water (a lot more!)
Be more mindful of what I'm eat and why.

So I'm still working on it and that's OK.

"Just got to keep on keepin' on..."
-Joe Dirt

PS. Hi to everyone who has stopped by and left such sweet words of encouragement. I'm still making my way around to say hi back personally, but in the mean time know that it mean so much to have complete strangers giving me a boost when I need it most. Thank you!

Win, Lose or Blog

I just applied for Season 5 of Win, Lose or Blog.

I'm kinda excited.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Thanks!



12 years

It will be 12 years this coming Thursday. Mother's Day is usually the hardest, but a little more sweet than bitter, now that I have my own children. I spent most of this morning just feeling very sad for no particular reason...until I realized that I felt incrediably lonely, as if no one in the world cares about me. My eyes watered, but I wasn't really crying, they were involentary tears brought from the intense pain that crushed me so unexpectedly. While that day has been on my mind all week my emotions still caught me by suprise..the twenty-third of June. That morning my mom took my brother, my sister and me to Denny's. We laughed and ate our pancakes, she gave a birthday card with a twenty dollar bill tucked inside and then she left. And that was the last time she would be apart of my life. The last time she would hug me without timid hesitation, awkward from the years of absence.
I try so hard to be everything that she wasn't to me, but I struggle with never really knowing if it's enough and cringing a little when I find myself doing some of the same things that my mom did, even if they are things that left me with the sweetest memories I have of her. I try to love myself so that my children can see their own worth. It's so important that they know our imperfections don't make us worthless. That they are okay where ever they are in this life, I know they having growing to do. And if they need to try harder to be who they are meant to be, I'll love them while they figure it out. They have to know they are loved absolutely and unconditionally. Always.
In 12 years she missed high school graduation, wedding day, the birth of my children. But it's the normal every day things that sometimes hurt when I find that empty spot where she should be. I wish I could call her for advice. Or send her pictures of her grandchildren. I wish that despite anything that might happen to me, I wish I could know I have someone cheering for me. And I wish that I could know that she would do everything in her power to be here with me. Most of all I wish that she had made different choices. Maybe she could have seen that doing the hard thing is always worth it. She could have made choices that would have made her stronger, wiser, happy even.

Working through it..

I haven't given up on my weight loss goals but I'm realizing that, for me, there are some emotional issues that go hand and hand with my weight issues. For so long writing has been my outlet, from when I was a young teenager scrawling out my emotions with a highlighter in my college wide notebook to writing in journals (with real pens-ha!), to the notepad on my computer to blogging. There is something therapeutic about it, it won't be pretty and edited, but it will be real and part of me. So things might get a little random around here, but I hope it'll be a good thing.

Junk.

I remember the first time I thought I was fat. I was in the 4th grade and I was wearing blue and black hounds tooth patterned tights. We had just come in from recess and as I plopped down in my chair I saw that my thigh looked bigger when I rested it on the seat of my chair. I lifted my leg up and down several times watching the shape change. I was horrified. Ashamed. It was completely ridiculous. I wasn't a "fat" child; I wasn't rail thin as most 4th grader (I had started developing the previous year) and in my 9 year old mind that made me fat. Things got worse as I continued to develop; with curves and a training bra came taunts and name calling, relentless teasing. I remember a boy who teased me every day as I walked home from school. He would shout that I had hidden melons in my top, making the other kids laugh. I would fight back tears and the urge to flash him just to get him to leave me alone. In the 6th grade a girl called me "fatty" in front of the entire classes. It crushed me. I could go on and on. Rumors, people talking about me when they thought I couldn't hear, putting glue on my chair during art class, name calling right to my face. So many hurtful things said and done over years and I took each one as truth. I had a big nose. I was fat. I was ugly. Worthless.
I wish I could go back and help that young girl. Help her to see herself differently, but I can't yet. She's still a part of me and that's something I need to deal with. Part of me feels that I'll only be worth something if I lose these 79lbs. Another part worries that even that won't be enough.